What's the story?

This whole Iran thing is really kinda bothering me.

In the normal ways, yeah. I can't believe that now, at this point in time, with tensions already being high between them and the West, and when their president was about to go try to speak to the UN about why they're doing things the way they are, to go ahead and capture 15 British hostages. Because, technically, thats what they are. Just so happens they wear the outfit. But what's really upsetting me abut this whole thing is the woman.

I noticed yesterday that she was wearing a veil. And I read the letter she supposedly wrote. But I didn't really think about it until a little while ago when, while reading an article in today's Washington Post online, that I really started thinking about it. In the caption to the still frame shown of the video the Iranians released yesterday, it says her name, with "unidentified sailor" and "unidentified marine." Seriously? Do you mean to tell me that while the media has gone ahead and found out her entire life story, they can't even take the time to figure out who her fellow prisoners are? I mean, come on now... its not that hard to figure out... (And here's an interesting commentary on that from a British paper)

Then there's the rest. The veil. The letter. What seems to be comfort on TV. I'd just like to hope that there's something going on there that we don't see. I hope its something like a deal they made with each other that she goes home and passes information, or be able to go back and tell the Brits where the rest of them are so they can get them out. I hope its not torture, or AK47s being held to her shipmates' heads. What it likely is, either way, is Iran trying to look like the good guy, who keeps getting picked on and by the Big Bad West, coming into their territorial waters and harassing their citizens. Experts are saying her body language points towards her being coerced. There are also people saying her statements look entirely made up, like they were peiced together from bits and peices of a conversation. Either way, they've singled her out. And that's angering.

Either way, the whole thing is a mess. It will be interesting to see how it pans out, and what she or all of them have to say upon release or when/if Britain is granted access to them. For now, all we can do is keep praying for them all...

Back. Let's see how long this lasts...

So. I've been missing. I know. I don't even know if anyone will know to read this anymore, but perhaps if I really start posting here more often I'll actually put it places again...

Lots has happened since I moved to DC. New music, the Rock Boat, some guys, a cat, love the new job... Where do I begin?? I don't even know.

I guess I'll start with tunes. If you've never listened, you should check out:

Five Star Iris
Braxton Parker
Andy Davis
Nathan Angelo
Sons Of William
Toby Lightman
Will Hoge
Danielle Lyn

I think thats enough for now...

And here's my kitty. Her name is Matilda, Mattie for short:


And yeah. Thats about it... more to follow. I hope...

READ THIS!!

Check out this awesome review written about my friend Amy Gerhartz recently. And when you're done, go check out her music. She rocks!

Oh, and while you're on a kick of checking out great new music, I have two more for you:

1. Braxton Parker. Formerly the lead singer of the Philly/North Jersey-based band Snoozebox, Braxton has recently embarked on a solo career. He rocks.

2. Florez. Winners of last year's Ice House Battle For The Boat, their new acoustic album, "The Brooker Sessions," is available for preorder on Aware Store. While you're at it, check out their first two CD's as well, available on iTunes as well as their website. If you regret it, let me know. I'll buy it back from you.

Enjoy!

Nevermind...

So yeah. Not so much. I tried the moving to Texas business, and it didnt work out. Here's the story...

About 2 weeks ago I got an email from my detailer. He said that the schoolhouse down in Ingleside had decided that they were overmanned, and they didnt really want anyone who didnt have mine warfare experience, and basically they were deleting my billet. So began the process of figuring out what else was available. My detailer told me that I could have a Mine Countermeasures Squadron staff job down in Ingleside, but I decided that I didnt want to be surrounded by SWOs for the rest of my time in the Navy, and if they could find me something in DC that would be amazing. He said he wasnt sure, to look at the hot fill list and let him know. I took a look, told him there was one I was interested in, and he said he'd get back to me. He got back to me, said that job had been slated, and I had two options: wait until the list got updated again, which was supposed to happen early the next week, or take the MCMRON job in Ingleside. I said I would wait until the list came out.

Fast forward to the next Monday when the list was updated. There was one DC job on the list that sounded good, working as a military liaison at the DEA. That sounded pretty good, so I called my detailer and let him know I was interested. He penciled me in, but told me it would probably be another week before he could tell me for sure because the shore coordinator was in Bahrain.

Fast forward again to yesterday. I take a look at the February slate and see that the DEA job is on there, which to me says I didnt get it. A couple of hours later I get that confirmation in an email from the detailer. However, he tells me that he can offer me this job at Ft Belvoir at the Strategic Center for Combating Weapons of Mass Destruction. So I said Id take it. So Im going in July, which is even better news because Im ready to get off that ship.

Im really excited, and while Im sorry that I dont get to move to Texas, I think this will be better for me. Everything happens for a reason, and I think this happened because I didnt need to go to Texas. Now I need to call Grandma....

Attempt to move to Texas take 2: Success!!

Yup, I pulled it off! In October I'm headed down to Ingleside to be an instructor at the Mine Warfare Training center, which means Ill get to live in Corpus. Im excited about it, but sad to be leaving all my friends on the East Coast. But dont worry, more than likely Ill be back... :)

A Penny for Your Thoughts...

I came across this article in today's Washington Post, and I applaud the author for writing what many of us have been thinking for quite a while. Have a read, think on it...

So, I know its been a while. Ive spent 6 of the last 7 weeks underway, wanting to throw myself over the side most of the time, but at sea nonetheless. So now you get the update. Youll laugh, youll cry, youll wonder who this crazy woman is... Whatever, here it is.

It started out on February 6th. We left Norfolk, headed south for our Combat Systems Ship Qualification Testing. Got to fire my gun lots, which was cool. Too cool- we killed all of our targets way early and now have a ton of extra ammo. But that just means we get to shoot more. Thats OK.

After the first week of mostly gun stuff, we pulled into sunny (notice I dont say warm) Cape Canaveral, FL. They told us it was the coldest it had been there in ages. Luckily none of us had brought anything warm to wear, so we were all frozen. I got a rental car and a hotel room solely because I wanted to get a good nights sleep and not rely on anyone else. It was totally worth it- I slept 12 hours, even missing calls from the guys wanting me to meet them at the strip clubs. The next day I got bored, so I drove to Orlando hoping to meet up with an old friend who was supposed to call me back, but no such luck, so I drove back. I had duty the last day, and the 2-7 the first night out. Gotta love it. The talk of the ship the next day was how Ordo couldnt stay awake. Oops...

There was something about a chair on a fort. I wrote it down, but I have no idea what thats about.

Then we headed even further south, for a week of looking at the Bahamas. Yes, you heard me. We sat in between Andros Island, which is nothing but a Navy base, and New Providence Island, home to Nassau. At night we could see the lights, and the cruise ships came in and out daily. They wouldnt let us pull in, not even for gas. It was 80 outside as we were getting reports of snow from home.

Speaking of gas, the gas facilities at Cape Canaveral kind of sucked, so we left with nowhere near the amount of gas we needed. Gas? Who needs it! We were constantly tracking how much gas we had, how much we had used, and even though we were right there next to Nassau, we had to go all the way up to Mayport to get our gas, cutting 2 or 3 events we were supposed to do down there. All this time, we have no internet, and Im going absolutely nuts. Luckily, we had email most of the time, so that helped.

Once we gassed up we headed back out to play with the Army, and found out that a dead whale had popped up in the area where we working. Dead whales = bad juju, but they eventually cleared us of any responsibility for killing the whale.

A few days later we pulled into Mayport again, where it also wasnt as warm as advertised but definitely warmer than Cape Canaveral. It was Mardi Gras, so myself and three of the guys from work went out and had a few. But nothing made me happier than driving past a Whataburger in Jacksonville and being able to get a BOB and a taquito on the way back from the bars :) I again got myself a hotel room, this time at the Navy Lodge, where I spent most of the next day watching movies in bed before I met up with Krista the Coastie for dinner and drinks.

We got back underway and started heading towards home, with a week of events remaining. The highlight- 4 section watch on the bridge- woo hoo! For the last 4 weeks had been standing 5 hours on 10 off, and this took us to 5 on 15 off, which was amazing. I was feeling 10 times better until I went into my bank account and realized that someone had gotten ahold of my debit card number and had been buying gas all over Miami. Hey, thanks a ton assholes... luckily I caught it, was able to cancel my card, and my bank has refunded me all the money.

We came in for a weekend, and Monday we were right back out for our Missile Firings. Last week we fired 4 missiles, and it was pretty damn cool. They send out these unmanned drones that we shoot at, and they have helos that are supposed to recover them. Well, the first day the seas were high enough that noone could find the drone, until about 6 hours later when someone randomly spotted it. It was decided that our small boat would go out and retrieve the drone. Now, who's the only qualified small boat officer on board the mighty warship Bainbridge? Thats right, yours truly. So off we go in the boat, in 8 foot seas, to recover this 1000 lb drone. An hour and a half and someone's Valentine's Day balloon later, we were back on the ship. Pictures to follow.....

So thats the skinny of it. Long, I know, but it could have been longer. Want to know more? Just ask... Ill fill you in....

Farewells, jewelry parties, and Kevin Nealon

I had a pretty fun weekend. Definitely different than any weekend Ive had in a while, but good at the same time.

It started Friday night with a trip out to a little coffee shop in Portsmouth to see my friend Amy perform. She's moving to New York today to try to make it in the music world, so this weekend was her last 2 performances (that totally doesnt look grammatically correct. Its not, is it?). Anyways, so I went out there, drank coffee all night, and then went with her and another guy to a pub down the street for a little while where we sat and talked about bands and music and musicians in general and it was awesome.

Saturday morning I got up and ran some errands, went to lunch with Brandon, then headed out to my old team mate Jen's house for a jewelry party. I had never experienced the jewelry party before, but it was actually kind of cool. Think Tupperware/candle/whatever party- a person comes in with displays, does a demo show, complete with little games, and you order stuff at the end. The jewelry is actually really nice though- I was impressed. I ordered a couple of peices, you know I did. While we were all just sitting and chatting afterwards, my cell rang and it was someone from work. I almost didnt answer, but we had a wetting down scheduled for later that night so I went ahead and picked up. Well, I THOUGHT it was scheduled for later that night. In fact, it was 5:20 right then and while I thought the wetting down was at 7:30, it was actually at 1730, or in 10 minutes. Ooops. I got from Suffolk to Va Beach faster than I think anyone ever has.

I got to Carrabba's for the party, and most everyone was already there. We ate a little, drank a little, hung out, and then a few of us headed over to Keagan's. We were having some drinks, talking, when I look over and notice that Kevin Nealon has just walked in to the bar. This wasnt that surprising, as he was playing Funny Bone's all week and its right next door, but it was still kinda cool. Josh decided he was going to go over and say hello, so I followed to laugh. We got over there and Josh asked him what he was drinking, and he said he couldnt get to the bar. So I squeezed up, got his beers, and chatted with him for a few minutes. First of, he is TALL. A lot taller than he ever looked on SNL. But mostly, he was just cool. Super laid back, really nice, no frills, just came over for a drunk. In fact, most people didnt even notice him. He mentioned he had a show the next night (last night) so Josh, Craig, and I went. He was really funny- I was impressed- and so were the two guys that opened for him. After that we went over and did the farewell karaoke- apparently Geoff decided it wasnt as good an idea as he thought- and that was it.

Nothing thrilling, but thats kinda how I like it.

I remembered something, and realized something else, last night.

So here's the story. My good friend's little brother is in a band. They got the opportunity to open up at a local venue last night for some metal concert, I guess there were 5 or so bands, and my friend asked if I would buy a ticket and go with him, his girlfriend, his parents, and his best friend to support his brother. Im never one to pass up a show, so I said sure, why not. My friend said he didnt really know what kind of music the band played, but it didnt really matter- its all about supporting my friend's brother, and local music while Im at it. So I met up with all of them and in we went to the show. Thats where I remembered that I really detest screamo music. I like rock. I even like hard rock. But usually for me to like it it has to involve someone who can sing. Little brother talks like a normal guy. So does the other guy that was singing in the band. But oh my goodness. Im not even sure I could call it singing. I guess if you like that kind of music, they were really good. But I really dont like that kind of music.

So now onto what I realized. After little brother's band was done, we headed off to my favorite Norfolk bar to see my favorite Irish entertainer for a little while. We got there, Martin got up on the stage, and spent half of the time we were there going back and forth with friend's mother, who was egging him on. She was slightly (OK, very) intoxicated, and my friend was mortified. This made me realize that no matter how parents are, whether theyre the strictest, most proper parents or the parents who are proud that thier son can smoke more pot than anyone they know and still function well, noone likes their parents. Every child, no matter what the situation, will always be embarrased by their parents. There just is no getting around it. And we don't grow out of it. I thought that as we became adults it wouldnt be like that, but as my friends and I reach our late 20's, it still happens. Kinda makes you stop and think.

So yeah, my night last night was interesting. But it was thought provoking. So that makes it productive, right?

2006 Arthritis Walk is coming...

And Ill be there :) Please check out my website and at least learn something... and if you can help out that would be great too!

Attempt to get off the ship early: failed.

So yeah. That job in Texas? Taken. Found out this morning. They just hadn't updated their system. Oh well. The good news, though, is that there are several other jobs that will be opening up in November, which is close enough to when I was supposed to roll anyways, so I will be looking into possibly getting one of those. They would mostly put me at Ingleside instead of NAS, but thats alright. I could still live in Corpus (because I REFUSE to live in Portland) and just do the drive. It can't be worse than the drive here... So Im not totally out of luck yet.

In other news, I moved in with my new roommate on the ship today. Ive been spoiled, and this is going to be slightly different, but I think I can handle it. I have a bigger bed, a bigger TV, and someone to talk to should I desire to talk to her, but I also lose out on my own computer and some privacy and have to deal with department head BS, like that stupid Bone Phone. And the fact that she's the engineer so stuff at all hours... it could be interesting underway, but you know Ill keep yall posted...

Oh what a weekend...

I have not had as much fun in Virginia Beach as I had this weekend in a long time.

I had duty Friday, which was good because I was exhausted. I got home Saturday, went to Bed Bath and Beyond to get some things in preparation for my sister coming next weekend, and spent most of the day cleaning up around my house, hanging pictures, etc. Then Saturday night Mandy and I went out and managed to get our tabs paid by this guy that graduated USNA 2001- he was trashed. The bar was overrun by Academy grads- it was really strange, I had never seen it like that there before. I even saw Susan Smith, the 99 grad who tried to get me kicked out harder than Ive ever seen anyone try anything when I was plebe. But, of course, she denied remembering it at all and was super nice to me. Whatever. It was snowing, and Mandy lives slightly closer to the bar than I do, so we went back to her house, where her roommate was already home waiting on his best friend's girlfriend to show up, and the three of them managed to get into a massive wrestling match, which I just watched and laughed and which resulted in Mandy escaping unscathed, Stephanie getting bruises all over legs, and Sean getting a black eye.

Sunday morning we went to brunch and then went shopping. The mall with that crew is something else, thats for sure! It was successful though, what with the MLK day sales and stuff. Then Sunday night we went out again for Brandon's birthday. I karaoked up a storm, as always, and got an offer to come audition for the spring play at the Tidewater Musical Theater. Unfortunately, Im going to be underway for most of the time they will be rehearsing, and they dont do anything over the summer, but maybe some other time. And it was a big ego booster, thats for sure.

Yesteday was a recovery day- I watched a ton of TV, never got dressed, and was basically just a lazy bum. It was great :)

This morning I came back to work, not so thrilled to be here (when am I ever?), and had to go in to talk to the CO about something. We got a new Ensign on board who is basically going to be my relief, just with a nice long turnover period, and the CO was talking about it a little bit and asking what I wanted to do next, and I mentioned the job that is on the hot fill list for Corpus Christi, but that its in April so it might be too soon. He asked about it, I told him that it was a Flag Aide job and I think I would be really good at it, and he agreed and told me to call my detailer! So this morning I sent an email, and if I dont have a response in the next hour I will be calling to make sure they know Im interested. He said that I may not be able to get it in April, which is when it opens, but theyd be willing to work with me to go maybe in May. And he also said that if I cant get that one, he will work with me to help me try to get a job in Texas either way. So that was good news, and totally unexpected- I did not think he would be so open to the idea of letting me go early, but he was. So cross your fingers for me- as much as I may not want to leave my house yet, I want to leave this ship, and this just might be my ticket...

Ponder this....

OK, so first let me give you a little background, before I tell this story, which I find highly amusing. My underway watch team consists of myself as Officer of the Deck (head honcho for you non-Navy types), our JORG Ensign as my Junior Officer of the Deck (Junior officer requiring guidance- basically our most junior officer), and a prior enlisted Seabee who I happen to like quite a lot as our Conning officer (the guy who actually gives the rudder and engine orders). The JOOD is one of those guys that has to make EVERYTHING an explanation, and sometimes he's a little too smart for himself. He is going nuke, though, so it works out. The Conn is an engineering officer, and hasnt spent a whole lot of time on the bridge, so things are still a little new to him.

Now the setting. We're up on watch last night, from 5-10pm, its foggy to the point that we can barely see the bullnose (very very front of the ship), and there is absolutely NOTHING going on. At one point, my Conn looks up at the fathometer (thing that measures how deep the water is) (I know most of you know what Im talking about here, but for the benefit of the few...) anyways, so he looks up at the fathometer, and it says something like 1076 fathoms of water, or something equally deep, and says "Wow, thats a lot of water, I wonder how long it would take to sink to the bottom." I'm pondering this thought, and thinking about it a little, and here comes the JOOD... "Well, actually, you'd never really sink. As the water gets deeper, it gets denser, and so at some point your body would reach equilibrium with the water and just hover." We both kind of stop and are like "Are you serious? Who thinks of things like that?? But that wasnt even the end. He started talking about bone density, and body composition, and downwards momentum, and all sorts of things. All I was thinking was how long it would take to sink to the bottom.

Well, I thought it was funny. And at the time it was.

And Im not so glad to be back...

Aaah, vacation. It was wonderful. I finally got to meet Amber and Kathy, and I love them. I got to see my family that I had not seen in almost 7 years. I got to be a part of my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, a feat not many couples are able to accomplish these days. I got to see friends from high school that I had not seen in almost 8 years, and make some new ones along the way. I remembered things about my town that I had forgotten, like how everyone in Corpus knows everyone else, and they almost all know at least one member of my family. Or how many people down there have never left Texas except to go to Mexico, and that doesn't count. Or the Delta tire guy, Wings 'n' More, Jason's Deli... I could go on and on. I'm not sure I'm ready to move back there, but I definitely need to never wait that long to go visit again.

But now, back to reality... I got back to work this morning, and feel like jumping overboard. I really enjoyed my 10 days as a quasi civilian, and really did not want to come back here. Then last night at the bar there was this Commander, still in khakis, who was the epitomy of why I dont want to stay in- 43 years old, single, never been married, lives with her mom, and looks like she's stuck in about 1987 haircut and makeup wise. Basically her entire life has been the Navy, and she's never made room for anything else. I dont want that. And she wasn't even a SWO.

But hey, how about them Longhorns?

A bit of reflection, and a little bit of rambling.

I'm slightly bored, so I was going through and reading some of my old posts, from when I first started this blog over a year ago, and I came across this one. I read it and it kinda made me sad, because I really was excited to leave last ship and come here, and start anew and hopefully have a great experience and leave the terrors of Cedric behind.

Now, 10 months or so later, I'm back to the negative. I don't enjoy myself, I dont like my job. (Well, I like the ORDO part, but I dont like the SWO part.) The only positive is the people I work with- we're all in this together, and we all share that attitude, so we help each other get through. As alone as I physically am (no roommate, no female peers), I'm never alone in things sucking around here. Kinda sad how comforting it can be. But even more sad to go back and read what I wrote the day I transferred and realize that its not what I hoped it would be. So now I find myself counting down to when I can get out of the Navy. Not down to days yet, but months anyways, and figuring out when, since I'll take shore orders, Ill actually be released from obligation. And I even have been thinking about what to do next- I refuse to be that guy with no plan when I get out, and even if Mom and Dad would let me live with them again, I wouldn't want to. Ive gotten to used to being on my own.

OK, thats enough of this ramble. I need to get my work done so I can get out of here at a decent hour today...

So this is Christmas...

Christmas was great. I was so glad to be able to go home and spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with the family. The whole family was there, except for my brother David who is at bootcamp right now, and my sister and brother in law came out from Utah. It was the first time I had seen them since they got married, but they got me a fondue pot, which is AWESOME, so Im excited to try that out. The day started with getting pounced on by Emily and Sophie at 630, which would have been OK had I slept well, but I didnt. But thats OK- its once a year, I can live with it. I drove back after dinner last night because Im on duty today, which is not fun, but its OK because tomorrow leave starts....

And Im headed to Texas. Im really excited to go- I get to go visit Amber, and hopefully see Kathy and Jen and Susan. I get to see family I havent seen in a while, and friends I havent seen in as long as 6 1/2 years, since the last time I went down to Corpus. And I get to eat Whataburger and Moody's, and any good Mexican food I can think of. And its warm. Not that its been cold up here, but its supposed to be 70 the whole time Im down there. And, most importantly, I dont have to be on this ship for 9 whole days. That, I think, is the kicker. I need the vacation...

I hope everyone had a great Christmas, see you in 2006!

Now THIS is funny.

So this nut job in New Mexico has managed to convince a judge to sign a restraining order to keep David Letterman away from her. Are you serious? Here's the article...

Now, maybe its just me, and of course I dont know Dave so I cant be certain, but Im guessing that neither he, nor Regis Philbin, nor Kelsey Grammar, have taken the time or made the effort to work some code words into their shows to communicate to this woman in New Mexico. I laughed my read end off. But hey, judge for yourself...

I hate Christmas shopping.

I said this at quarters this morning, and the first thing I heard was my GM1 responding with "Oh, so its your fault." "Huh?" was my reply, and he continued on, saying "its your fault that theres so much traffic at the malls right now. You're that guy that waits until the very last minute to do their shopping." I can't deny it, he's right. The thing is, I'm usually not this bad. But between moving into the house, all the trips up north Ive been taking, weekend duty rotation, and not getting home until after dark most of the last 3 weeks, I just haven't had the time to do it. And if I have, Ive been so tired I've just wanted to go home and crash. So now, its the 22nd, the last day I have to shop before Christmas before I go home, and I have no idea what Im getting for my Secret Santa. I got one of our female GM3's, and Ive already gotten her this lip gloss set, but I know thats not enough, so I want to get her something else. But what? She lives on the ship, so that really limits what I can do. I don't really know that much about her, other than she's really smart, 25 years old, and has a degree in psychology. But she's a Gunner's Mate... so maybe something with guns? Oh I hate this...

Apparently that means Im next...

This was me on Saturday.



Obviously, this was a wedding. My friend Cynthia, who was one of my favorite plebes in the glee club when I was a firstie, got married. It made me feel really old, but I was thrilled for her. She was the most un-nervous bride I have ever seen, and she is really and truly happy with Drew. They make an adorable couple, and the wedding was a blast. But when it came to that whole throwing the bouquet part, I wanted to kill her. I stood front and center, because thats never where the flowers go, but this time, sure enough... she didnt throw them that hard. So I got it. Im slightly mortified at this point, but hey, its all good. So then it comes time for Drew to do the garter. He throws it once, it hits the ceiling and some 10 year old catches it. The emcee says no way, makes him throw it again, and again it bounces off the ceiling into an even younger kids hands. Now I dont mind dancing with kids, but again, the emcee said do it over. Finally one of the Ensigns caught it, and I found out why. He didnt do the traditional dance for the guy who catches the garter and the girl who catches the bouquet. Nope. He does the get the garter on her and thats the end. Hence the picture....

The wedding was fun, though. While I am NOWHERE near ready to be next, it was a nice thought for a second. I just hope that when I get to that point, Im as happy as Cynthia is. Corny sounding, I know, but hey, what I can say, its the truth.

Out with the old and in with the new...

As 2005 comes to a close, there are many things that I am sad to leave behind from this year, but also many things that I will be forcefully pushing out the door. This year I have made new friends, reconnected with old ones, bought a house, lived in New England for (hopefully) the last time, and transferred ships. Sometimes I have been myself, and other times I have been like another person entirely. As the new year rings in, I have decided that my goal (I dont really want to call it a New Years Resolution, but I guess thats kinda what it is), is to remember that who I am is far more important than who anyone else wants me to be. As long as I can remember that...

On a lighter note, I heard this on the radio the other day, and then it appeared in my inbox this morning. And now, without further ado: The New Rules of 2006.

New Rule: Stop giving me that freaking pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky turds.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbreadcappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes play billiards was just too exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.