The hardest part is letting go

There is just about no worse feeling in the world than realizing that someone you once considered your best friend is no longer interested in reconnecting or having any sort of relationship.

I thought this person had deleted his facebook. I hadn't really thought about him in a while, but for some reason yesterday he popped into my head. Last I heard, he and his husband were adopting 4 (I think) foster kids in order to keep the siblings together. I found myself wondering what was going on with them, so I messaged his cousin, who was also a classmate of ours in high school, to see if she had an email address for him. She surprised me by saying that Facebook was probably the best way to get ahold of him. 

I started looking for his page. I looked in the friends lists of everyone that I knew if he was on Facebook he'd be friends with. Nothing. I started to suspect that he'd blocked me, a suspcion that I'm pretty sure was confirmed when one of our friends gave me the link to his page today and I got a "page not found" error.

This person that, once upon a time, I was closer to than anyone else. My senior prom date, because we were both single. My best friend, once upon a time. He no longer wants to have anything to do with me. I know I'm at least partly to blame. A LONG time ago, I was dating a guy who made me into something I was not proud of. We were talking about marriage, and he thought the gays were icky. I made the mistake of telling this friend that said ex wouldn't be comfortable with a gay couple around. That really hurt him. Sadly, he never told me that, so I spent the next several years trying to figure out what the hell had happened. When I finally found out, I was mortified.

I tried for a while to make it up to him. I apologized, I thought we had talked it out, but I could tell that he just wasn't going to put a ton of effort into it. But I still had hope. That's part of who I am - I do not let go of people easily, even when I probably should. I wasn't ready to give up on this friendship. Today, I find myself thinking it might be time.

I asked our mutual friend to pass a message along for me. I guess I'll wait and see what happens, see how or if he responds to my outreach. If he does, great. But if he doesn't, I think it might just be time to let him go. 

There are no words.

What kind of a sick person opens fire on babies? That was my first thought upon hearing about the shooting at the elementary school in Connecticut on Friday.

I've been thinking about what to write about this all weekend, and I just can't get past these babies. My fiance says I've been acting weird lately. If lately is since Friday, I agree. I have no children, but I have 5 and 6 and 7 year old nieces and cousins and future nieces and nephews. I have friends with children this age. And it affects me. It makes me sad, that there are people so disturbed in this world that, for whatever reason, they would do something like this. And there's nothing to really say.

I thank those who have refrained from putting the focus on the gunman, and instead have focused on the victims. Some have speculated that these people do things like this to gain a notoriety they've never been able to get. If that is the case, I wish we'd stop indulging it. Stop saying his name. Instead, say the names Emilie Parker, Noah Pozner, Ana Marquez-Green, Victoria Soto, Dawn Hochsprung, Charlotte Bacon, Daniel Barden, Rachel Davino, Olivia Engel, Josephine Gay, Dylan Hockley, Madeleine Hsu, Catherine Hubbard, Chase Kowalski, Jesse Lewis, James Mattioli, Grace McDonnell, Anne Marie Murphy, Jack Pinto, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Lauren Rousseau, Mary Sherlach, Benjamin Wheeler, Allison Wyatt, and Nancy Lanza. THESE are the names that we should be saying, that we should be remembering. Not his.

So yes, I've been quiet the past few days. I've been a bit moody. I've been reflective. I've been trying to process. I'm not sure if its working. It just doesn't make sense. None of these shootings make sense, even the ones where there have been children among the victims. But there's something different when young children are the intended victims.

Perhaps that's why when The Voice opened its show with the below video, I felt the closest to crying that I've felt in the last 4 days.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those families affected by the horrific events in Connecticut last week. I cannot, and never want to be able to, imagine what you are going through.