Defeated.

That's how I feel today.

I spend a lot of time at work running around going to meetings. There are a lot of people that ask me questions. My boss takes me with him to meetings because I'm his subject matter expert. Several other people around the Agency get nervous when I'm not at their meetings.

That's what makes the last few days so hard. Wednesday when I came into work I found out that I had, for the 3rd straight quarter, not won the Agency-level employee of the quarter award that my bosses had put me up for.  Then, on Thursday, I found out I hadn't won the next level down employee of the quarter type award that my bosses had put me up for. Then today I found out that I had not been approved to attend the leadership development program I'd applied for.

I don't want to sound petty. I really don't. At first, I didn't care all that much. But my first line boss did - he was mad at the first, madder at the 2nd, and really pissed off today. And you know what? I kind of am too. Maybe its combined with this whole pending government shut down thing - Congress will still get paid for not doing their job, but to make a point, they're going to screw the rest of us by not paying us? Please tell me on what planet that makes sense. I'm also still exhausted from last weekend. I think maybe the roll up of everything is just hitting me all at once, and I feel defeated. I don't feel a burning desire to do a whole lot of work now. I feel like going ahead and starting to look for some positions at the next higher level outside of DC a little earlier than planned. 

I've never been one for demanding recognition for things - I just want to get the job done. So maybe its just expectation management - maybe I just don't want to know next time I get put up for an award, so I'm not disappointed when I don't get it again. Who knows.

Sigh. I wish that when I got this way I was one of those people who wants to work out, not one of those people who wants to go eat fried deviled eggs and drink beer...