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These words are my diary screaming out loud

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Sleepy =/= lazy.

I had a revelation this weekend. It's sort of a follow up to the post the other day about finding the IH website and Facebook group, and sort of as a result of the move (which, thank dear sweet 8 pound baby Jesus, is just about over, other than getting some stuff to my parents house).

(Yes, I am actually posting about the same topic two posts in a row. Crazy, right?)

For my entire adult life, I have called myself and allowed myself to be called lazy. I don't work out enough because I'm lazy. I sleep extra on the weekends because I'm lazy. I'm not a good housekeeper (for my own house) because I'm lazy. I'm perfectly happy in a desk job because I'm lazy. I want to go to bed at 9 on a Friday night instead of going out because I'm lazy.

It has taken the facebook group and the website and seeing that not only am I not alone, but that I don't even have it as bad as many people with IH to realize that it's not necessarily that I'm lazy, it's that I'm sleepy, and that it's not just in my head. Who knows if I would be lazy without the IH. Maybe I would. But I kinda feel like I wouldn't be. I like going to the gym (as long as its not running. I hate running.), I like going out, I like coming home from work and doing more than plopping onto the couch counting the hours til bedtime. I am a master at powering through physical pain, and slightly less masterful but still effective most of the time at powering through the sleepiness. Take this weekend, finishing the move. Especially yesterday, which was finishing getting the last few things out of the house and cleaning the whole place.

I am not lazy. I am sleepy. There is a difference. I am not making it up. I am not just trying to get out of things. Well, 99% of the time I'm not just trying to get out of things. I don't secretly hate hanging out with you. I really DO want to do all of those things. But my body is telling me it wants sleep more. And the validation that I've gotten over the last few days that this is normal and that, in fact, I'm better off than a lot of people with IH, is AMAZING.

Most of the time I absolutely would like to tell my body to go fly a kite, as my mother says. Sometimes I can. Quite often I just can't. But please believe me when I say I wish I could.