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These words are my diary screaming out loud

Monday, April 26, 2010

Random Thoughts on a Monday Morning

So, first things first, I've seen the previously mentioned name show up more than once on my chat list since the email exchange the other day, and have heard exactly nothing back. So deletion from the contact list has happened. And probably should have a LONG time ago.

Alpha Rev released their new album "New Morning" in digital version today, hard copy tomorrow. Amazon has it as their Daily Deal for $3.99 until midnight tonight. I highly recommend it to everyone - its really good, and these guys are going places. Look for them opening for Carolina Liar on their May tour dates. Thanks to JrzyGyrl for turning me on to yet another great band!

I really want to start writing again. Atlanta was supposed to be an opportunity for me to get a little bit more involved with music and take advantage of a scene really open to local singer/songwriters. However, being broke meant that I wasn't out and about as much as I had wanted to be, and being in a job I wasn't particularly fond of was extremely draining. I managed to write exactly one song while I lived there - and I wrote it with Matt. So... if anyone's got any ideas on how to get rid of the ridiculous writer's block I've had for a good while now, please share.

Off to Gettysburg tonight for 2 days of meetings at a DOD facility in the mountains. Should be interesting, to say the least...

Friday, April 23, 2010

To Chat, Or Not To Chat?

Last night a name popped up on my gchat list that I hadn't seen in a LONG time. I think this is partially because I told my gmail account not to show him on my chat list and that doesn't necessarily apply on my phone, but either way, its someone I haven't thought about in quite a while, and haven't talked to in probably 2+ years. That part is partially because he has a tendency to fall off the face of the earth for large periods of time, and primarily because I got sick of being the one to initiate all the conversations. What kind of a friend is that? Not one, I decided, and stopped trying. It wasn't really a big loss either. I mean honestly - we met in the military, deployed together, and once we came back I think we saw each other exactly one time, for about 5 minutes in a parking lot. And we came back 5 1/2 years ago.

But, back to the whole popping up on my gchat list. Sometimes, gchat on my phone gets confused and forgets to refresh itself, so he was popping up there as being online. I looked at his name several times, thought about it, wished I hadn't seen it, thought a little more, and eventually decided wht the hell, and shot him a chat - well hello there. That's all it said. Of course, there was no response by the time I went to bed, because, in fact, he was not online. But my phone didn't realize that until this morning when, after seeing an email from him responding to a chat while sent offline, and with him still showing as online, I signed off then back on again. But back to that email - Wow out of the blue! What, where, and how are things?

I replied, somewhat briefly - I'm trying to share too much at this point - and we'll see how it goes. But all I can think as I'm writing this was why did I bother? Its not like it will go anywhere (and I'm talking one hundred percent in the realm of friendship/acquaintance chatter here people... Matt and I are happy and just fine and still together, etc).  And I've worked so hard to cut people like that completely out of my life. So I'll play it by ear, but next step will surely be deleting his information completely out of my system so there's no chance of seeing that name pop up again and tempting me to do something less than intelligent like chatting again.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Rain, Rain, Go Away....

I can't see the window from my desk. Its 3 cubes down, and we have high cube walls. However, I can usually tell by looking in the general direction of the window what the weather is like. When its nice out, that direction is a little brighter. Today, its NOT nice out. And looking in that direction is gloomy. Its amazing what that does not only to my mood, but to my general energy level. I don't really want to DO anything, you know?

But on top of that, the rain is just overall annoying. I can't wear certain shoes because I don't want the material to get messed up, or my feet to get wet and take forever to dry. My hair pretty much goes crazy at the first sign of wetness. My purse gets wet, and if its not a somewhat waterproof material and/or zipped up everything inside gets wet too. I've almost gotten down the science of getting into my car when its parked on top of the parking deck without getting myself wet, but still manage to get the inside part of my door (and whatever happens to be in the pocket on the side) soaked.

And let's talk about the drivers. People, water falling from the sky is not a new thing. It has happened occasionally since the dawn of man. It is not an excuse for you to suddenly forget all the things you've learned over the past however many years you have been driving. It is also not scary. Yes, you need to slow down a little and be careful on wet roads. But you do not need to rush to cut me off because ZOMG ITS TEH RAIN! I promise, if you wait til I pass you'll get to turn because if you look, you'll see that there is NOBODY BEHIND ME.  You do not need to go 39mph on the Beltway. I promise if you hit the raindrops at 55 or even 65 they won't break your windshield. Sigh....

On that note, its almost time to go out and brave said drivers on this rainy afternoon....

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The View (No, not the TV show)

The other day I mentioned how much I love the view from my apartment, and over the past few days I've taken a few pictures to share with y'all:

An overcast afternoon, rain on the way:

A beautiful Spring day:

The sun's coming up:

There's just something about being able to look out my window from the comfort of my Lazy Boy and seeing all this that makes me smile.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Help A (Well, My) Sister Out!

 When my sister Emily was almost 3 years old, she was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis.  One of nearly 300,000 children under 18 affected by the disease, Emily has been one of the lucky ones. A combination of outstanding doctors and excellent response to her medications, Emily has, for the most part, been able to live the life of a normal child.  Now 18 and about to graduate from high school, Emily is a member of her high school's track team (she pole vaults!), and will be attending York College in Pennsylvania this fall.

On May 15th, I will once again be joining my family in the Arthritis Walk, which is among the largest fundraisers for the Arthritis Foundation. In past years we've held a small walk in Fairfax County, but this year we're combining with some of the other smaller walks to have a bigger and hopefully more visible walk on the National Mall. My goal is to raise $500 for the walk, and I could use any help anyone can give me. I know times are rough, but if you can spare a little, it's going to a GREAT cause. Please click on the website, read a little about the walk, and donate if you can. If you're in the DC Area and would like to participate, please join the team my sisters co-captain, the Flying Pigs.

Thanks for your help! Here's hoping that some day all kids can have the opportunity to have the sorts of results that Emily has had!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I kill myself

I really should have gone to bed at 9 like I wanted to last night. But I just couldn't bear the thought of having to wait until today to watch Glee, and missing all the good stuff / getting the good stuff spoiled by the inevitable tweets / status updates (which usually aren't TOO spoilerish, I just like to be fully surprised). And really, I just love the show and wanted to see it on time. And I still managed to not stay awake all the way through Sue Sylvester as Vogue. Luckily it is on the DVR.

But today... I'm EXHAUSTED. I've been feeling tired all week, well, more tired than normal, anyways. I blame part of it on just plain not sleeping enough this weekend - I couldn't get back to sleep after waking up at 630 Saturday morning, stayed up a little later than I should have on Saturday, and didn't go to bed early enough on Sunday night. Part of it is also due to some emotional exhaustion due to some conversations with Matt. And, of course, a lot of it is due to my sleep disorder. Believe me, its SO much better now that I'm back on the medication.  But it still makes it really hard to be productive at work. So why do I still torture myself by staying up at night? Perhaps some day I'll learn...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I kinda really love DC.

First of all, I have a fantastic view from my new apartment. I look out and I can see, from left to right, the National Cathedral, the Washington Monument, Reagan National Airport, the Capital Dome, and several other DC buildings. Its amazing how the different weather can change how that view looks - when the skies are clear and blue, everything just stands out. When its raining, the whole thing turns gray. This morning, when the skies were cloudy and it was about to rain, it was absolutely breathtaking. At night, everything is lit up, and just absolutely beautiful.

When Matt was visiting a couple of weeks ago, we spent some time walking around Downtown DC and seeing some of the sights, sort of, that I hadn't seen in a LONG time. I guess that with my parents having lived here for so long I've really kind of taken for granted all the amazing things this city has to offer.

Like the Chinatown Arch:
And the White House:

 And cool statues in front of museums: 

And protest rallies :)

I think this summer I'm going to try to do some more touristing - although I promise I will NOT stand on the left side of the escalator, or stop in the middle of the sidewalk, or block all the exits at the Metro :)

Thursday, April 08, 2010

There are no words; and, A bit of an admission

Sometimes, I just want to scream.

Its the only way I can think of to release. I want to write a song, to sing someone else's song, to have a good conversation with a friend, to vent to my boyfriend. But no words come. All I can muster up is a loud, generally unintelligible sound that only makes me feel better for about as long as it takes for it to leave my mouth.

Maybe that's where this blog can be really handy. I don't have to worry about whether my words are the right words, or whether or not the person I'm speaking to understands what I'm saying or can follow the story the way that I tell it. People will either read this or not, get it or not, and choose to leave a comment or not. Either way, I can say what I need to say, in some form or fashion, and move along. It's kind of a refreshing thought, and just typing it out is making me feel a little bit better with the pent up frustration and doubt that all sort of came to a head tonight with a heaping dose of family drama.

I think it all comes down to one thing: I am, in fact a tiny bit of a control freak. I'll deny it to most people, especially the ones that accuse me of it. But its true. I hate the unknown. I hate not being in control of my situation. I hate feeling like I'm hopeless, that there's no way I'm going to be able to affect a situation. I like to park in the same spot every day. I like my morning routine to go in a certain order. I like to know that things are going to happen at a certain time in a certain order. This is why I left Atlanta - this is why I made the decision to come back to DC, to come back to the same job and the same apartment building. I like knowing that every other Friday the paycheck will appear, and that it will cover all of my bills without a problem. I like order, and I like stability. And right now, I have that in all but one part of my life, and its driving me absolutely crazy.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Do we ever really grow up?

No matter where I've been in my adult life, be it USNA, Navy ships, bar crowds, message boards... there's always something that happens that makes me think wow, that is SO middle school. It got me wondering today, does anyone really ever "grow up?" Do we ever stop calling people names, going behind our friends' backs... basically, are we all stuck in 13 year old mode?

The things that I see my peers, nearing or over 30 years old, doing and saying just amaze me. The quickness to turn, to put people in the middle of situations, to fail to take criticism in any way other than as a personal insult, or to just be downright fake... its amazing. I don't know if its because of the generation gap (Gen X vs Millennial) that I happen to fall right in the middle of. (friends and I have talked at length about how it seems the generation of entitlement starts right around our year group - two recent articles in the Washington Post talk about Millennials versus their GenX and Baby Boomer predecessors, and the end of GenX vs the start of Millennial is somewhere around the 1980 birth year.) I don't know if its the people I've surrounded myself with - but I can't imagine its that, because its been so many different and diverse groups of people. I don't know if it just human nature, although it seems to me this HAS to be the case.

What I do know is that when I was in middle school and dealing with the stupidity of people at that age, I couldn't wait until I was a grown up and got to get rid of it. I had the same thoughts in high school, and in college. Unfortunately, I've been disappointed at every avenue because it seems as though that time, the time of growing out of middle school behavior, has never come. There always seems to be that one person in life that I have to walk on eggshells around, for whom I have to deliberately calculate and rehearse every word I say for fear of setting them off or losing the "friendship." Luckily, in the past few years I've started weeding those people out of my life, but its never easy - sometimes its people that I've known for years, or that I've had some amazing experiences with. But coming to the realization that those people aren't really my friends has been freeing in many ways. Its like a breakup, you know? I miss the fun times, I miss the sharing. It hurts, especially at first, realizing that someone that was a part of my life is no longer. But, deep down, I know that my life is better off without those people, and it becomes more and more evident as time goes by.

Don't get me wrong - there are parts of being in middle school that I'd love to return to - no bills to pay, no job to get up for every day, no worries about working out or getting old... you know, the good stuff :) But when it comes to my relationships with other people, I'm all about being a grown up, thank you very much. I just wish everyone else was too...