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These words are my diary screaming out loud

Monday, October 31, 2005

Costume Photo

Here you are, a photo of the costume. Im a gypsy, and Molly is a Slutty Marine. What you cant see are my long skirt and her short shorts and fishnets...
Gypsy and WM

And I just felt like adding this one... as I was driving down the road headed back here yesterday morning I thought this was pretty:
Leaves Changing

Sunday, October 30, 2005

I am officially all growed up.

Yup, thats right. I found out as I was walking down the brow on Friday afternoon that the owners had accepted my offer on the house. I spent my entire drive up to Molly's calling and texting everyone I could think of, and hearing that Im a dork for not having taken pictures yet (thanks Mom), and just being generally over excited. I close on 28 November, and probably will get all my stuff sometime the week after because of some scheduling conflicts. Or maybe I can convince them to let me stay behind from IA... yeah right. But either way, I am stoked. I am officially an adult now, I guess :)

As I mentioned before, I drove up to Molly's this weekend to hang out, do the Halloween party thing, and catch up a little. We did dinner Friday night with some of her church friends (who are all awesome, by the way), and then Saturday went to see Elizabethtown before the party. I had a pretty good weekend- it was nice to see the people I had met before again, and aweosme to meet all the girls that I hadnt met yet. Plus, I miss hanging out with Molly.

Now Im on duty again. Gotta love the military quality of life- every third day. Supposedly we are supposed to move to every 6th here when we get back from Florida, but who knows. Right now Im going crazy though. I never have an entire weekend free, I always have duty either Friday, Saturday or Sunday, and it seems like the fun things I want to be doing are always on the days I have duty, and I cant have a decent social life when every third day Im stuck on the ship. (I know, I sound whiny, but this is my blog so I can say what I like, so there.) Is it time to go to shore duty yet?

Friday, October 28, 2005

I am going NUTS.

House hunting is stressful. Its not like looking for an apartment, where whoever signs the lease first wins, and there's always another apartment. Nope, when youre looking to buy a house, you do the whole search thing, find a place, put in an offer, but then is the wait. I wrote yesterday that I had put in an offer on a townhouse, and Im still waiting to hear from the sellers- I guess they wanted to wait and see if they got any other offers to make their decision. My agent is supposed to hear from their agent at 2 to say what their decision is, and then he will let me know. I really want to hear that they accepted my offer, mostly because its awesome, but also because I dont want to have to go through all this again...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Ive had a revelation.

I am too nice. This is the conclusion I have come to. I give people second and third and twentieth chances, and nine times out of ten, they come back and walk all over me again. And I let them. I mean, look how long it took me to finally cut ties with Joe. But I am making my New Year's resolution a little early this year. (Maybe it can be a New Fiscal Year's resolution? OK, I know, Im a dork.) Anyways, I have decided that from here on out, I am no longer going to let people step all over me. I might give you the benefit of the doubt once, but after that... no more.

Where is all this coming from, you might ask? Well, part of it is from the events that took place yesterday with a friend who ditched. That was just part of my not so great day yesterday (other than potentially finding a house, but Ill come back to that), and last night as I was kinda filling my friend AC in on my bad day (he asked... I warned him...) we started talking about the idea that we have to be confident and not be afraid to lose "friends." He said people make their own decisions, and if their decision is to screw me over, then I dont need them anyway. And I realized, he is absolutely right. I dont know how good Im going to be at it, especially at first, but this wierd aversity I have always had to making people mad/people being mad at me needs to go away.

So I ask you, my friends that read this, to please kick me in the head if you see me start reverting back to the old ways. I would greatly appreciate it.

Now, returning to the house thing... I put in an offer on a great place last night. I dont want to share too many details until I know whether or not its been accepted, but please cross your fingers, cuz Im gonna be hard pressed to find a better place in my price range...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Moving on has had a momentary setback

Well, I called it. I said when I'd hear from him again when he went back to Iraq, and sure enough, when I got into my hotmail account (which, incidentally, I have not been able to get into from the ship) I had a mass email update from him, and apparently some time in the last month or so he has returned to the desert.

Let me backtrack a little for those of you that haven't been reading this for that long. If you go back and read this post, the one thats linked in it, and this post, and you'll have the general idea of what the deal was. If you want more details/background from there, just ask. Or ask Molly. She probably won't tell it so nicely. Just ask the care package.

Anyways, so, as evidenced by those posts and as anyone who has known me throughout this saga can tell you, I have been doing very well with this whole situation. After the last time he stood me up I have not emailed him, called him, nothing, and I have not heard from him either. Its not surprising, because thats the way he is- he's a flake. But I told Molly a long time ago, and she agreed, that more than likely the next time I heard from him would be the next time that he went to Iraq. And I was right. I got the old mass-email, I havent taken anyone off of my list just added to it since the first time, Im fine, Iraq is fine, etc.

Last time he was over there I hadnt heard from him in 5 months, and I was on deployment, until I started getting these emails. I ignored the first one, but when I got the second one I hit reply, and basically told him that it was nice to know he had not fallen off of the face of the earth, but since he hadn't cared about the last 5 months of my deployment what the hell made him think I wanted to hear about his? I got the standard reply: I'm an asshole, I obviously still want to communicate with you because I sent you the emails, blah blah blah. Being the (far too) nice person that I am, I said OK, thats all BS, Ive heard it before, but here's the deal. Its all fine and good while youre over there, but the real test will be when you get back. Im not putting the effort in. If you still wanna be my friend you had better earn it. And at that point I was OK with just being friends. I had gotten myself there. Of course, he said oh yeah, everything will be great, and told me he'd call me when he got back stateside because he was gonna be in Little Creek for a school. I didnt hear from him until he was lost trying to get to the base. He spent the first of that week making excuses for why he couldn't hang out, and finally, after much prodding, we met up for dinner- me, Molly, him, and half of his class. We had dinner, and Molly and I went over to Mo's with a promise that they were close behind. They never showed. My phone rang at one point, but only long enough for me to see who it was calling, and then apparently his phone died. Two days later he called me back. I didn't answer, and I didn't return, and that was the end of that.

It was not easy for me to let him go. I have never had a man have that much effect over me, and the sad thing is that I kept letting him. I was past it all, and to get that email yesterday really did a number on me. My mom put it right- I had convinced myself I didn't care anymore, but as much as I want to admit it, there is still some there. So, in order to keep myself from having to deal with this again, because I refuse to put myself through it and I have a tendency to drunk email, I'm taking Molly and Jason's advice- next time I can get into my hotmail I am deleting the email and blocking his addresses. I think thats going to be the only way. He doesnt have the work address, and that way I wont have to hear about it.

So thats the setback. But I think its only minor. I can do this.

Friday, October 21, 2005

I'm Baaaaack :)

I am SO glad to be back.

I got to drive Horace, which was great- windows down, music up... doesn't get a whole lot better than that. I got to go to Keagan's, and see Jason, which made my night. I missed that guy. I got to sleep in a bed that was more than 18 inches wide and that I could sit up in. That was HUGE. I have duty today, which kinda sucks, especially when I got here 2 hours early... oops. Happens when noone puts a schedule out.

Tomorrow Im meeting with my real estate agent, and starting on the hopefully not too long and arduous process of buying a house. Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Horace, Im Coming Home!

As we get closer to pulling into homeport for the first time, there's a lot of chatter going on about missing wives and husbands and kids and girlfriends and boyfriends... you know, the norm. Well, I have none of the above, so I miss my truck. That's Horace, for those of you who didnt know. Yes, my truck has a name, and no I did not name him, but I cant well change it once its given, even if I dont like the guy who named him anymore... but thats another story.

So yes, I miss my truck. And my couches. And having a life. In that order, I think. I miss driving around with the radio turned up. I dont so much miss gas prices, although I dont really know what they are right now. But I do miss not having to wait for a ride, or depend on someone else to get me somewhere. Even though its only been a little over a month without him, it feels longer.

I miss my couches. Theres nothing I want more right now than to stretch out on my couch in front of the TV and just veg. Mostly because that would mean I would have my feet up.

The having a life thing has been previously discussed. I dont think I need to get into that again. Im looking forward to catching up with my family and friends in Virginia- its been far too long.

48 more hours... but for now, I have a chance to get some sleep, so Im taking it!

Friday, October 14, 2005

I love when things just come along...

...that totally relate. My friend Elise posted this article on her MySpace page, and I'm stealing it because its awesome. Its a long read, but worth it I think. Enjoy.


We know that it is the Lord's will for people to have a mate if they desire one. In the beginning when God created Adam, God Himself made this statement:

"... It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him" (Genesis 2:18 KJV).

"Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, completing) for him" (Genesis 2:18 Amplified).

The Lord wants to bring a mate to those who will ask Him and have the patience to wait for His choice.There are some single people who are constantly out looking for a mate, and they are miserable because God has not sent them one yet. They have prayed and prayed, yet they still have no mate. Some settle for Satan's provision instead of asking God for the patience to wait for the one whom He would send. If they would look to Jesus and seek to please Him, rather than being concerned about a mate, soon they would find the right one crossing their path. Looking for a man or woman to just keep them from being lonely or just to fill their needs or to be a father or mother to their children should not be the only reasons for desiring a mate. They also need to be concerned about what kind of husband or wife they would be for a mate. These single people are still much in the flesh if they just want their own needs met. They should ask the Lord to fill them with His love and peace.

Being single is an important time to prepare us for marriage. It can also be a time to experience a closer communion with God. As we seek God to cleanse us of the world and help us become the kind of wife or husband that would bless someone, we will soon find that we are not lonely. First, the Lord would begin using us to bless others; then we will find we are content in Him.

Eventually, in God's plan and timing, He will bless us with a wonderful mate so that both lives can be a witness for Him. We believe if a marriage cannot glorify the Lord, then it would be better to remain alone. There are worse things than being alone. One of these is to be out of God's will by compromising and marrying someone who does not feel the same way we do about the Lord.

Marriage is the second major choice we make in our lives, and we should never enter into it without much prayer. To rush into a marriage can be disastrous. The most important decision of our lives, of course, is our decision to follow the Lord. This decision is not a one-time declaration, but a daily determination to follow Jesus above all. If we allow the emotional or soulish realm to dominate our lives we become more susceptible to the enemy leading us astray through someone. This area of the flesh should be brought under the Lord's subjection so that Satan does not get the advantage and consequently destroy our lives and ministries. So many have failed the Lord because they chose a man or woman over the Lord.

We find this true throughout the Bible, too. Solomon's heathen wives led him into idolatry. Samson lost his eyes because of a woman, Delilah. David committed murder because of passion for Bathsheba.

Our emotions need to be cleansed as they are not the sign of love. The true definition of love is "God is love." If God is not in a relationship it is not true love. What this world calls love is really lust since it is built on what the other person does for me, not what I can do for him or her. If the other person fails to keep up his end of the bargain, a divorce occurs because the offended mate is no longer pleased. This is the attitude of the world's so-called "love." God's love loves without receiving back; God's love is forgiving and patient. God's love is gentle and kind. God's love waits. God's love sacrifices.

1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible gives us a beautiful definition of real love: (In this King James translation the word "charity" means "love.")

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Man's emotions are not a reliable gauge upon which to establish a marriage relationship. We must know in the Spirit that it is God's will. It is much better to marry for character than for emotion. Emotions fluctuate; character doesn't. Emotions are in the soulish realm, and unless the carnal mind has been renewed, Satan can give us emotions or feelings of love for someone of his choosing. (If he did not have this in his power, he could not split up marriages.) One of his favorite techniques is to suddenly take away the feelings one once had for his mate and give feelings for someone else. When he has successfully convinced a person that he no longer loves his or her mate, then he leads them to divorce, whispering, "You are living a lie." After he has destroyed that marriage, he then leads one to marry again by stirring their emotions for another. Often after their next marriage something happens that they do not expect. Before too long, friction begins to develop with the new mate, then arguing. Finally, they find the same thing has happened again; they feel no emotion for their new mate and the next divorce is in the making. "Falling" in love is Satan's way. The very expression of these words should tell us something. A Christian should not blindly "fall" into any trap. Love is bigger than simply falling for someone. Certainly, the Lord gives us a wonderful emotional feeling for the one we are to marry. However, this "feeling" without God's direction can be disastrous as Satan can tamper with our emotions and feelings too.

Marriage, in a Christian's life, should be based on a decision directed by the Holy Spirit. A Christian's love for another is a commitment. Of course, the Lord will supply the emotions for the mate He sends, but that should not be the criterion for making the decision to marry. The Lord should be sought, and whatever He speaks to us we should do. He knows the future and what is best for us. If we trust Him He will not fail us in this or any other important area. Women or men who allow emotions to rule them will never be victorious Christians. Emotions should always follow, never lead.

During Old and New Testament times, fathers and mothers chose the mates for their children. God's people were very careful to choose those who were "believers." We find this practice still prevalent in India and other Eastern cultures. The parents, being older and more prudent, made wiser decisions than the children in this area. The divorce rate in India is only about 7%, whereas in the USA, at the present, it is nearing 50%. Marriages that are loveless can be saved and restored simply by asking God to restore the love that was once there. Sexual relationships can also be healed by praying for a desire for one's mate. Prayer is a mighty weapon. God's love can mend and heal, providing people are willing to lay down their lives for their mates. His love will not fade, as does the love of the world.

Those who are single and have never been married are cautioned in God's Word to seek a mate who is a like believer. "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)." Many precious people suffer because they are living with unsaved mates. Some did not have Christ when they made their marriage decision, but they have since found the Lord. Those will have God's grace and love to win their mates for Jesus. The Lord always strives to bring the lost mate to Himself through the partner who knows Him. Mighty miracles of deliverance and salvation have occurred when people have endured suffering in order to bring their mates to the Lord. Those people who have the light, but choose to marry into darkness by yoking themselves to unsaved mates find that their flesh has led them away from God.
The Lord wants to bless marriage unions and see His plans fulfilled in both mates' lives. What a glorious plan He had from the beginning for both male and female. We can trust Him in this important decision. If we will totally commit to do His will we will never be disappointed in the one He sends into our lives.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Another day in Newport

Newport. Love it. We pulled in on Tuesday, and of course the only day I have duty while were here is WEDNESDAY... grrr.... For those of you who dont know, Wednesday is karaoke night at O'Brien's Pub, and when I lived here three years ago I rarely if ever missed one. But I made it on Tuesday for trivia night. It was a good time, and I still feel at home at that place.

So, back on topic, tonight was supposed to be the last night. We were supposed to pull out tomorrow morning, but seas are forecasted to be 20 feet, which, more than likely, would have put the entire crew down, not to mention been slightly dangerous. (The captain is on the 1MC right now, his words "I dont feel like throwing up tomorrow either.") So I get one more night in one of my favorite towns. I really do love this place. And Molly, Ill tell everyone you said hello. Off to get my hair cut, then dinner with Jen and drinks with Holly.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

An Ode to the Drugmakers

First, Id like to thank the makers of the drug Meclizine for allowing me to get underway and not get violently ill. The stellar performance of their drug allowed me to stand all my watches, eat all my meals (although that may not really have been a good thing), and even spend some time up in my gun mount, which is way up forward in an area usually totally avoided by me underway. It also allowed me to join in the incessant making fun of my department head who, along with half of the ship, was down hard for about half of the transit. We were in 6-9 foot seas Saturday and Sunday morning, then 4-8 for the rest of the trip til this morning when they went down a little bit on my watch.

The trip went pretty well, although we did end up staying in Maine an extra day due to weather. The fog up there is unbelievable, and even Saturday when we did finally leave we had very limited visibility. Im tired- being in 3 section watch is no fun, but I plan on getting a good nap this afternoon. I had a decent enough birthday underway- Hispanic heritage month lunch, ice cream social after dinner, what more could a girl want? I heard from people I did not even realize knew when my birthday was, and I got a nice (form) note from the CO for my birthday. Even though everyone gets the same one, its still nice to know that he takes the time to do something for peoples birthdays. Now Im here in Newport, and ready to go out and celebrate in decent fashion. I wanted it to be tomorrow night, with the old Wednesday norm karaoke at O'Briens, but unfortunately I have duty and theyre not entertaining duty swaps at all. So I guess itll have to be tonight. Ill still stop into OBriens to see everyone though.

Sounds like it was a good weekend in the real world too- Texas finally beat OU (Hook em Horns!!) and Navy beat Air Force, the Astros advanced to the next round of the playoffs for a rematch aganist the Cardinals, which hopefully they will pull out this time, and were only a little more than a week out of Norfolk. I really cant wait for that- its time to get back to normal. We get a few days off here, and then underway for a few more days. Heres to hoping the next leg of the trip will go as well as this one did...

Thursday, October 06, 2005


Ok, so it appears as though I may have spoken too soon. Suppo just told me it looks like I get to move in with Cheng. Oh well. It was nice while it lasted. Guess I get to enjoy the next few days, then its back to a roommate again...

Roommateless Once Again

Well, she was cool while she lasted....

But it turns out that my roommate of exactly three weeks to the day was pregnant. 12 weeks to be exact. She couldnt figure out why she kept puking, or why she always felt like she was gonna pass out, or why she was so emotional all the time, so she finally, after almost passing out at quarters decided it was time to see Doc. Yes, yes it was. Shes almost three months and had no idea. So last night she left. With about an hours notice. And of course, since we cant have a fogless day around here, when she got to the airport all the flights were cancelled, so she did what I would have done- see ya duty driver, theres no way in hell Im going back there, Im getting a hotel. I wouldnt have wanted to come back here either.

So now its back to just me in the room. The Navigator from one of the other ships is going to be riding us down to Newport, so Ill have her for a couple of days, and then after that its just me. Unless we get another male officer, which might happen because I guess we have a billet on the NROTC fall selection list. In that case, since there are no more open male racks, I will have to move in with the Chief Engineer and the guys will get this room. Only good thing about that is a bigger rack- 2 man vs 3 man room. But for now, its back to just me and my chocolate wrappers. The latest: Hey, why not?

In other news, I had a long chat with my sister the other night. Molly, if you read this before I tell you about it, remind me to tell you about it. It got interesting, but I think, for once in her life, she finally stopped and actually listened to what I had to say instead of getting all defensive and pissed off. Maybe this getting married and moving to Utah thing thats supposed to make her grow up actually has, because apparently she took at least one part of my advice and tried to call Mom right after we got off the phone. We'll see how that all progresses.

Now that I have just spent the entire morning showing friends of the CO's around the ship, its time to get a little work done.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Its Almost Over

This Friday, I embark on the next leg of my little Naval journey- we get underway for the first time and sail this baby out of Maine. Ive been up here for almost 6 months, and its been an interesting 6 months, thats for sure. I have explored a side of myself that Im not sure I like, finding outlets for my boredom that made people who know me stop and question, knowing that it was not me. I put 15,000 miles on my car trying to find things to do, oftentimes driving 400 miles in a day to do them. Ive made some new friends, strengthened bonds over distance with others, and lost touch with a couple of people. All in all, I think Ive learned a good deal about myself in the last 6 months; some of it agreed with me, and some of it didnt.

But, as evidenced from some earlier posts, Im ready to go. But Im not so excited about the leaving part. Several of you who may be reading this are sailors or former sailors, be it Navy or Coast Guard, and you talk all the time about loving being underway. Not me. I actually detest it. I am dreading it. Not just because of one reason in general, but because of a lot of things. I get seasick. I know I wont get a good night's sleep the entire time Im out. I wont be able to eat decently. I wont get a lick of privacy. Its the little things, like I cant take a shower without wearing flip flops, and I cant play my music when I want to, and I cant sit with my feet up to watch TV or read a book.

Going back and reading this, it sounds kinda bad, probably even more so to those of you who may not know me that well. But its just me being honest. Ive given this SWO thing a fair run, Ive done pretty well at it, but I think this is going to be it for me. All I can think about right now is how much I hate being at sea, and I think thats a sign that maybe I shouldnt be going to sea anymore. Which gets me thinking once again about how messed up things are- why is it that those of us who dont want to be going to sea are stuck with it, while people who all they want to do in life is drive ships are forced out? (Wow, that was a mindset shift, huh?) I wish with all my heart that I could trade with Molly, for the same reason I knew that if things had been different and Melanie had not gotten pilot and I had I would have tried my hardest to give her my billet. But, as Molly reminded me the other day, I need to remember that there is a master plan, and I am not in control of it.

For now, though, its time to secure for sea.