sub header

These words are my diary screaming out loud

Monday, October 24, 2005

Moving on has had a momentary setback

Well, I called it. I said when I'd hear from him again when he went back to Iraq, and sure enough, when I got into my hotmail account (which, incidentally, I have not been able to get into from the ship) I had a mass email update from him, and apparently some time in the last month or so he has returned to the desert.

Let me backtrack a little for those of you that haven't been reading this for that long. If you go back and read this post, the one thats linked in it, and this post, and you'll have the general idea of what the deal was. If you want more details/background from there, just ask. Or ask Molly. She probably won't tell it so nicely. Just ask the care package.

Anyways, so, as evidenced by those posts and as anyone who has known me throughout this saga can tell you, I have been doing very well with this whole situation. After the last time he stood me up I have not emailed him, called him, nothing, and I have not heard from him either. Its not surprising, because thats the way he is- he's a flake. But I told Molly a long time ago, and she agreed, that more than likely the next time I heard from him would be the next time that he went to Iraq. And I was right. I got the old mass-email, I havent taken anyone off of my list just added to it since the first time, Im fine, Iraq is fine, etc.

Last time he was over there I hadnt heard from him in 5 months, and I was on deployment, until I started getting these emails. I ignored the first one, but when I got the second one I hit reply, and basically told him that it was nice to know he had not fallen off of the face of the earth, but since he hadn't cared about the last 5 months of my deployment what the hell made him think I wanted to hear about his? I got the standard reply: I'm an asshole, I obviously still want to communicate with you because I sent you the emails, blah blah blah. Being the (far too) nice person that I am, I said OK, thats all BS, Ive heard it before, but here's the deal. Its all fine and good while youre over there, but the real test will be when you get back. Im not putting the effort in. If you still wanna be my friend you had better earn it. And at that point I was OK with just being friends. I had gotten myself there. Of course, he said oh yeah, everything will be great, and told me he'd call me when he got back stateside because he was gonna be in Little Creek for a school. I didnt hear from him until he was lost trying to get to the base. He spent the first of that week making excuses for why he couldn't hang out, and finally, after much prodding, we met up for dinner- me, Molly, him, and half of his class. We had dinner, and Molly and I went over to Mo's with a promise that they were close behind. They never showed. My phone rang at one point, but only long enough for me to see who it was calling, and then apparently his phone died. Two days later he called me back. I didn't answer, and I didn't return, and that was the end of that.

It was not easy for me to let him go. I have never had a man have that much effect over me, and the sad thing is that I kept letting him. I was past it all, and to get that email yesterday really did a number on me. My mom put it right- I had convinced myself I didn't care anymore, but as much as I want to admit it, there is still some there. So, in order to keep myself from having to deal with this again, because I refuse to put myself through it and I have a tendency to drunk email, I'm taking Molly and Jason's advice- next time I can get into my hotmail I am deleting the email and blocking his addresses. I think thats going to be the only way. He doesnt have the work address, and that way I wont have to hear about it.

So thats the setback. But I think its only minor. I can do this.


Mollina said...

It's not even a setback. You are strong. Delete. Block. Move on. Aloof, unavailable, ice queen!

Sadie said...

Couldn't have said it better myself.