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These words are my diary screaming out loud

Thursday, April 08, 2010

There are no words; and, A bit of an admission

Sometimes, I just want to scream.

Its the only way I can think of to release. I want to write a song, to sing someone else's song, to have a good conversation with a friend, to vent to my boyfriend. But no words come. All I can muster up is a loud, generally unintelligible sound that only makes me feel better for about as long as it takes for it to leave my mouth.

Maybe that's where this blog can be really handy. I don't have to worry about whether my words are the right words, or whether or not the person I'm speaking to understands what I'm saying or can follow the story the way that I tell it. People will either read this or not, get it or not, and choose to leave a comment or not. Either way, I can say what I need to say, in some form or fashion, and move along. It's kind of a refreshing thought, and just typing it out is making me feel a little bit better with the pent up frustration and doubt that all sort of came to a head tonight with a heaping dose of family drama.

I think it all comes down to one thing: I am, in fact a tiny bit of a control freak. I'll deny it to most people, especially the ones that accuse me of it. But its true. I hate the unknown. I hate not being in control of my situation. I hate feeling like I'm hopeless, that there's no way I'm going to be able to affect a situation. I like to park in the same spot every day. I like my morning routine to go in a certain order. I like to know that things are going to happen at a certain time in a certain order. This is why I left Atlanta - this is why I made the decision to come back to DC, to come back to the same job and the same apartment building. I like knowing that every other Friday the paycheck will appear, and that it will cover all of my bills without a problem. I like order, and I like stability. And right now, I have that in all but one part of my life, and its driving me absolutely crazy.

2 comments:

Emily said...

I know the feeling. Unfortunately no matter how hard we try to have order, there is always going to be that tiny bit of room for chaos. And the more we try to gain control and forsee what will happen, we end up going completely nuts in the process. I guess that's just life. It has it's ups, it's downs, and sometimes it can be down right nasty and unfair. The only thing that we can do is gather the courage to face the unknown and just dive in. As hard as it is, it takes all the courage and strength that we have to face these things head on, and if failure should pop it's head around the corner to meet us, we can only learn from these experiences and grow from them. Keep your head up sweetie, always know I'm right there with you 8)

BD said...

Primal scream therapy is awesome. Blogs are good, too.