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These words are my diary screaming out loud

Monday, November 21, 2011

Pardon me, I need a moment.

I've always been a fixer, attracted (both romantically and platonically) to people who could benefit from my help. Wait, that sounds pompous. But I don't know how else to say it right now, the words aren't forming in such a way that I can translate them to sentences and type them out so that they make sense the same way they do in my head. Anyway, I've always been a fixer. And there are very few worse feelings in my world than to feel completely helpless, like there is nothing at all that I can do for someone that I care about. There HAS to be something I can do to help. There has to be something, anything, that will make that person feel better, or BE better. There is no way that I can be completely powerless in a situation. In ANY situation. That's just not how my mind works, it doesn't compute.

Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel more and more powerless with regards to a certain part of my life. I'm starting to feel as though the effort I have been putting in to it and trying to make things better is wasted effort, energy that I could be saving for other things. But its so hard to let go. Its so hard to not have control over the situation.

Because in reality, it may not be so much that I'm a fixer than that I'm a control freak. I like to be in control of situations, I NEED to be in control of situations. When I'm not in control, I feel like I'm losing it. When I don't have control I feel vulnerable, and when I open myself up to vulnerability I get hurt, usually very, very hurt. Hurt in ways that I never fully recover from, because small pieces of that hurt attach themselves to my insides forever, and become part of my complex, my permanent insecurity, those parts of me that are forever holding me back from the real happiness that I need and deserve.

Its not that I'm not happy, because I am. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. But there's this little piece, this part of my life over which I have no control, because I'm powerless, and I can't fix it. And I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how to sit back and just let life happen, with no interference from me.


JrzyGyrl said...

I sooo understand you on this one; I'm a control freak, too (at least when it comes to things in my life) and letting go and trying to "go with the flow" is harder than anything. But, I've come to realize that you can't fix a lot of things (even when we have the illusion that we can) and sometimes, we just have to step back and watch, even if it means letting things crash. Hard to do, I know. Deep breath. The world will not float away if you let go. Promise.

Ms. Andrea said...

I understand exactly what you're saying..... especially with that giving up control part & getting hurt. Ugh Not fun