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These words are my diary screaming out loud

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

There is no such thing as closure.

Trying to find closure will always be a fruitless journey. It's just never going to happen. 

I'm paraphrasing this quote from the eminently unqualified yet really dead on Anna Farris from her podcast recently while she was talking to a woman who was in a situation similar to one I've been in once or twice. She was trying to deal with a breakup - well, a little more than a breakup, her fiance cancelled their wedding and broke up with her completely, and she was still trying to process it. Anna gave her that advice.

If you've read anything I've posted over the years, you know that closure is a thing for me. I have a hard time letting go of things from the past, and I dwell. Of note, I've recently read several things that imply that this is a classic introvert trait. Which is odd, because I've always considered myself an extrovert, but I'm reading more and more that suggests that I'm actually an introvert. But that's another topic.  Anyway, I have a hard time letting go of things. Lots of things. Like, I still dwell on something stupid I said years ago and how it affected how someone thinks of me today. Yes, I am fully aware that they probably have zero recollection. But that doesn't matter. 

But those aren't the things where closure is a problem for me. It's more about personal relationships - usually why did someone stop talking to me. I would love to know what happened to my 6th grade best friend, and why she didn't keep in touch when I moved. What was it about me that made the one that ripped out my heart and stomped on it over and over again do that? I have this desire to have everything tied up with a neat little bow, and it still bothers me that I don't have that, even though I know that its not that realistic.

But Anna's words really hit home for me. She phrased it in a way that I had never really considered before. I have needs that other people don't have. I want answers to things that may not exist, or at least may not be satisfying and might even make it worse. I want answers from people that made it clear a long time ago that they have no real desire to provide me those answers.

And that's the bottom line. These people removed themselves from my life, or removed me from theirs. Whether it was a conscious decision or not, they did it. I was not party to that decision. If I had it my way, most of them would probably still be around in some capacity. But they're not. That decision that they made, that action or set of actions that they took, should be all the closure I need. The "why" isn't really that important.

It's taken me 36 years to realize this. And I probably still won't be all the way good on it, let's be real. But this is step 1, I hope, in clearing some of the intangible clutter out of my life for good.

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