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These words are my diary screaming out loud

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

The more things change...

I haven't written here in almost two years. 

I've thought about it. I'll be sitting at work, or driving, or snuggling the baby (I'll get to that), and I'll think of something I need to get down. Then I don't. 

And it's not just the blog. It's my other writing too. I haven't don't any of it. There's no real reason. I miss it. I know it's an outlet for me. I know I benefit when I put my thoughts, my feelings, my soul into words. Maybe that's part of why I've been having a little bit of a hard time lately. 

About 3 months after we moved to Florida, we found out I was pregnant. To say we were excited was an understatement. We were absolutely thrilled. But part of me was a little frightened too. I wasn't sure how my body and my sleep disorder were going to react to pregnancy. I had to stop my meds immediately and I was nervous. I'd heard of women basically sleeping through their entire pregnancies. Luckily that was not me, and the sleep Doctor here at the VA was fantastic and worked with me on some ways to manage my sleepiness. 

The only thing he was mildly concerned about was that some women experience cataplexy for the first time during labor and delivery, so he had me warn my OB about that. Luckily(?) that ended up not being an issue, because this baby really enjoyed his head in my ribs, and showed no interest or intent on flipping. 

On September 25th, we welcomed B into the world. What an amazing thing. Our lives have changed for the absolute better, and we are loving every minute of parenthood. He will probably be the focus of plenty of posts in the future, though, so I'm gonna move along at this point, except for a picture. There are a zillion more on my Instagram (franchise02).

Back to the original point here. This kid was an amazing sleeper at first, but we've definitely hit some regression lately, and it's affecting me. Combine that with hormonal changes, and a healthy dose of mommy guilt, and basically I'm the hot mess express. I'm over emotional. I'm under emotional. I can't control my emotions. I'm tired. I can't sleep. I just want to nap. I'm lonely, but I'm never alone. I love my child and wNt to spend every moment with him, but I need a break.

My internet stranger Mommy friends say it's totally normal. Which only makes me feel a tiny bit better. But this. This is making me feel better. Words. Typed out, that I can go back and read. I don't necessarily need (or expect that) anyone else will read them, and that's ok because that's not the point.

I'm breathing easier already. I need to find a way to do this more.

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