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These words are my diary screaming out loud

Friday, December 16, 2005

Out with the old and in with the new...

As 2005 comes to a close, there are many things that I am sad to leave behind from this year, but also many things that I will be forcefully pushing out the door. This year I have made new friends, reconnected with old ones, bought a house, lived in New England for (hopefully) the last time, and transferred ships. Sometimes I have been myself, and other times I have been like another person entirely. As the new year rings in, I have decided that my goal (I dont really want to call it a New Years Resolution, but I guess thats kinda what it is), is to remember that who I am is far more important than who anyone else wants me to be. As long as I can remember that...

On a lighter note, I heard this on the radio the other day, and then it appeared in my inbox this morning. And now, without further ado: The New Rules of 2006.

New Rule: Stop giving me that freaking pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky turds.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbreadcappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes play billiards was just too exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

1 comment:

Rich - aka the Oldfatguy said...

Bec, you're a genius! Those new rules are SO perfect! I've bookmarked your blog, so I can keep an eye on you. ;)